By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard a certain song from thirteen-year-old Rebecca Black called “Friday”. You’ve likely screamed in terror at the screechy vocals and horrendous lyrics within. I can say without any hesitation that this song is the perfect example of everything that’s wrong with music today. This travesty employs the use of every popular music cliché imaginable.

1. Autotune:

The amount of note-improving autotune they use in this piece is just ghastly. I mean, do they have no shame? Are artists alright with it being so obvious that they can’t sing, and thus fail at the one thing they’re supposedly good for? I’m not sure, but it’s possible that Black just spoke the lyrics of this song (I’m sure she vomited several times in the process, it’s not an easy feet to look at those things), and then her production team made it sound like she was singing. You know, like the Gregory Brothers would do. In fact, just get those guys to be your songwriting and engineering squad, Rebecca. At least then you’d get some good backing vocals and instrumentation.

2. Exploitation

Black is on record as saying that her idol is Justin Bieber (admitadly, this is a strong indicator of what the quality of her work will be). It’s interesting that her and her idol would share so much in common. Rebecca Black is just the next unsuspecting child to fall victim to entertainment. She paid $2,000 to record a song she didn’t write, and now she’ll be famous for about a month, and then she’ll be screwed forever. Much like her good chum, Justin Bieber. That guy is, similarly, a stupid kid who has no fucking idea how hated and vilified he is by most of the world. Do these children disserve the loathing they get? The answer is no. They’re kids, they’re just really, really dumb. They don’t realize how shitty this music truly is, I bet when they grow up (if they have any artistic integrity at all) they’ll be ashamed of this terrible body of work they have wrought upon the world. Think about the things you thought were cool when you were at that age, no, actually, think about the things you created at that age. Would you want to make that a matter of international public record for the rest of eternity? I think not.

3. Lyrics

The people that should be hated are the people running the business, the songwriters who think this is what Earth wants to stick into its ear holes. These people think up a somewhat catchy hook, then they throw in the worst lyrics ever. Just look at some of the songs that have gotten mega-famous over the past few years: I Gotta Feeling by the Black Eyed Peas, OMG by Usher, Tik Tok by Ke$ha (the dollar sign makes me laugh), and anything by Rihanna and Katy Perry. These songs all contain dumb base lyrics that a fucking thirteen-year-old could come up with. In fact, I’m surprised “Friday” is so hated at all, it’s the exact same drivel you’ve allowed to be shoved down your throat for the past ever. Why can’t we have songs that are actually provocative, songs that are about subjects other than love and ‘getting down’? Sweet nonexistent zombified Christ, can we at least get a song where people don’t fucking tell us what the days of the week are?

4. Music

I’m getting kind of sick of this over processed techno shit. I mean, its cool and all that Lady Gaga helped re-popularize it, but does everybody have to sound like that now? Can we have at least one original artist these days who can come up with new sounds and innovations (this assuming we can find someone who can actually write their own music for once…. nah, it’s asking too much)? Another good cliché this song employs is the obligatory rap verse. I heard somewhere that these verses from well-known (in this case not so much) rappers is starting to replace the guitar solo/musical break, and I totally agree. I’d much rather hear a dude who’s really talented shred on a six-stringed rock stick than a dumbass dude fast-talk over music half-unintelligibly. What happened to the Slashes and Stevie Ray Vaughns and why have they been replaced by Pitbulls and Ludacrises?

This song is the perfect example of gluttonously terrible cliché crap. This thing is less like a song and more like an endurance test. I bet soon we’ll be seeing reaction shots of people showing their unsuspecting, innocent friends the music video to this song. The camera will zoom in slowly on the viewer’s face as he or she realizes what they have been subjected to. Yes, this will be a new, much more disgusting “Two Girls, One Cup”.  Congratulations Ark Music Factory, Rebecca Black, Rebecca Black’s parents, Justin Bieber, and any other monster who had any part in creating this musical assault. You have successfully made an instant legend that will be hated for decades to come, because unfortunate for Rebecca, the internet is forever.

-Austin

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